Monday, March 17, 2008

Fumbling in Silence

As I stood in the audience, K behind me and to the left, I became conscious not of him but of the sea of wedding rings around me. It figures - a Willingdon/PA/C&C/Westside semi-convention to see Matt Walko play - that there would be not only a higher than geographically/socially normal number of young couples, but married ones at that. Awkwardly I tapped along to Matt's catchy songs - with little to no voice, and the confined space of the bar, I was left to be mute all night, frustratingly so, in addition I figured alcohol wasn't my best friend. Regardless - Sheree (and band - K plays the drums/bass/assorted for her) came up to play - the Christian crowd tumbled out and I was left standing with Leah in the front of the stage. I don't know if I've ever felt so exposed and yet so invisible at the same time. I feel like whenever I'm in his vicinity there's this neon sign flashing above me, not to mention this look of tapped horror in my eyes and flushed embarrassment on my cheeks - all screaming in some biological chorus that I come unhinged in his presence. Leah offered to go talk to Sheree, giving me an opportunity to tag along and get in close proximity - sure that's a great idea I thought... my mouth goes dry around him as is, and now with little to no voice, and certain letters that altogether don't come out - ya that's what I need... instead hastened her out. In the end I would rather he talk to me - it eliminates that feeling of invisibility that I feel when I'm around him - like he has yet to notice me at all, never mind notice me like that...

Regardless -invisible I will remain, as well as mute for a while it still seems - yes the plague continues. One thing I do want to tell you all that's more exciting than my pathetic crush on K, is the amazing photography of Leah.

6 comments:

Shawn said...

Relentless.

LeahA said...

come on now ur crush isnt that pathetic

Shawn said...

I am so old, I have forgotten what it is like to have a crush. I cannot say whether your crush is pathetic or not.

leah said...

jenn, i didn't know you felt that uncomfortable. i was just admiring sheree plett's talent and voice. so you could've totally dragged my butt off the floor (with some resistance)

and i'll email the pics soon. i'm glad you like them!

Jenn said...

Leah,

Uncomfortable is limited in describing how I felt - sure I was but it was more do to my feeling in his presence - regardless of where I would have been in that room, he makes me go all mushy inside - always has.

Jenn said...

Shawn, yes I'm going to be relentless on this one - he has occupied a place in my brain for at least the last 6 years if not longer... wow, now that's pathetic now that I think about it.