Tuesday, March 11, 2008

What the ____

It’s 1am and I am a mess of swirling thoughts – wondering what did I just do? Did I really just do that? Why? Did the commitment-phobic part of me win? Or was there really something missing – the butterflies, the excitement, the everything there wasn’t – in that he was right, I treated him like a friend, I barricaded him out for some reason. Did I see something? And yet as I emailed E to update him on my life and in general return an email about his blog – I looked at the email I sent him a while back that was at the bottom of his reply, I was gushing about Ryan - he was a liberal, tattooed, drummer guy with the same outlook on life, who had played hockey and made me laugh. Great, just great my own words come back to haunt me. But I started to think about the last few weeks I've talked more to Shawn than I have to the boy, the boy never called or texted the entire time I've been deathly ill - he went MIA when I needed him and yet I was expected to be there when he needed me. Maybe Cheryl is right, just go and see how it is? But why? So it can be harder? I just want to be able to sleep and all I have is no closure and a ticket that I can't seem to cancel and an illness I can't seem to shake. And this voice, the nagging voice of the post 25 year old that says, what you think you can do better?


LeahA said...

you should have been sleeping not thinking !

Jenn said...

I agree