Thursday, September 25, 2008


I am numb and I keep coming to the point where I thought I could not feel more pain, or more grief or more helplessness and then I'm reminded I can. I can by the words of another, the pain of another spend an evening once again trapped in the abyss of my bed wondering when food will taste, when a tub of ice cream will really have the secret of life - because I sure eat it like it does, when my heart will stop breaking, when my bones will stop their aching, when this life that I know is worth living will truly feel that way in every part of my body. Life has a purpose, it has value, and that includes mine, I have a right not to be abused, I have a right to be free, I have a right to love, be loved and most importantly love myself enough to know I have a right to breathe, to have life, a life full in God until the day He sees fit to take me from this world.

Just as I have the right to all those things, so do millions of others, millions of children have the right to peace and a life that indicates the worth of their lives to God - a life with food, without war, with shelter and not migration and alienation. That's enough out of me, it's been recommend I do one thing every day that is special, adds value, gives purpose, whatever you want to call it and today for me that's hot chocolate with marshmellows while reading the rest of Michael Ondaatje's Diviserado.


Shawn said...

While I read this at 3AM I did not have the energy to actually comment. I wanted sleep, but it wasn't happening regardless of how much my body and mind needed it. Thank you for spending time on the phone with me. I am at the same place right now, I am numb, I am numb to feeling anything. i am numb to value towards myself in any fashion. I am numb from trying and trying only to fail over and over again. Numbness works, but numbness is not how I want to exist.

Jenn said...

I know Shawn, I know. This too shall pass, as annoying as that sounds, it's what I keep trying to remind myself of

jocelyn said...

You may be depressed but you sure write like someone ignited.

I just want to see what that looks like when you're back to a healthy place! And hey - most of us take our whole lives to get there. Don't let that stop you from finding truth along the way.