Friday, November 21, 2008

Soul Eating Smiles

We've all done it, choked it back, shoved it down, readjusted ourselves literally or emotionally, head up, shoulders back and smiled. Smiled that smile that takes in one hand what little we feel is real within us and with the other digs into what is not there. Sometimes it's a survival mechanism, hide the broken heart from the boy who broke it, hide the pain from the world of grief and loss and the list goes on, we've all had our reasons.

The thing is not why we do it - we all do it for the same reason, the reason that we believe that we are not worthy of being loved in our entirety. For whatever reason we believe we are not deserving of a honest communication and uninhibited love from another. Why? And for what reason I don't honestly know - I wish I did. Here's what I do know. It does not work, for now maybe it looks like it does. But before you know it you're working with a negative balance emotionally and frantically searching for something to fill it from chocolate to a relationship ( I tried that), a child, a house, a new job or a new city/state/country. Then things are even more complicated, more heart and life engulfing then they were before. What then? Smile?

Not really, you start with being honest in different ways. I realized when I was first going through everything that there were some seriously shitastic days that I attempted to smile my way through and got called on it. I felt like saying to my boss, "What the hell? It's not like you even want to know about my life." It was and is true he does not want to know but some people do and those are the people who you tell about the fact that when someone asks you "How's Life?" You (I) respond - "It's hard - my parent's are separated and I have to split the holidays," or " I am stifled at work and want to move on to greater things - to have a job where I'm respected," or whatever else the feeling is at the moment. In that process you start to learn to be honest, and maybe that process doesn't start with him, maybe it starts with God or a person in your life you can be 100% honest with or a person you don't know.

LeeLee I know you wanted brilliant wisdom, witty repertoire and laughter - there is nothing really to laugh about smiling while you're slowly coming apart at the seams. Don't hide behind the laughter rather hide in His love and talk to someone. Talk, bring air, light and food to that soul of yours - it doesn't mean it gets better it does mean it gets more alive, more real, more you - TRUST ME.

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1 comment:

Natalie said...

What you said is very true!